That is my question today….
If the past and the mistakes we have made are what define us, how do we look past the heartache and the pain...
I am a firm believer in with every end comes a new beginning. I will give my self that. But how do I begin to trust someone when what I have seen what trusting someone has done to me. Late nights of crying, re-playing over every conversation wondering what I have said that was wrong that was bad enough to cause this to happen. I know it’s stupid to place the blame on myself. I never held K’s hand and said “see that girl over their, go ahead tiger go get her. Cheat on me.” But after that how is it possible to look at your self in the mirror and not think “maybe if I was prettier, skinnier, better in bed,” that he would have never done this to me.
Truth of this is I know if a person is going to cheat, they will. You can’t be with someone 24-7, that’s just bananas.
Back to my question at hand, how do you forget the past? How do you look at someone and say “here is my heart, it’s been super glued back together, so please be gentle with it…
I know that if K never cheated on me I would be in a different place in my life. B would probably not be in it. I know K never made me as happy as I knew I always wanted to be. But why can’t I leave that part of the relationship aside from this one. B has not done anything that has demonstrated that I can’t trust him… So he tells me he is going to call me and then doesn’t…I always hear from him the next… Typically he falls asleep and forgets to call me… In the past I wouldn’t freak out as much as I am with B… I am aware that my feelings for B are deeper then they ever were with K… I see a future with him, I see someone who is not afraid of being with someone… B and I have known each other for 12 years…
Don’t get me wrong B and I’s relationship is challenging in its self. He has kids, a rough past, and an ex-wife… All things I am not use to dealing with… But I am willing to look past all that… I am willing except everything that he is brining to the table… Here is B’s positives he holds my hand in public, he kisses me is public, he cares about me, cares about my drama, looks in my eyes… all new to me…
Why is it that I can’t stop looking at the hurt and the negatives in the past and look at all the positives for my future??? When will it stop worrying me to the point of making me a crazy person…
I JUST WANT TO UNLEARN HEARTACHE AND LEARN TO TRUST AGAIN!!!
This is how my weekend looks so far... Sushi
