Bring it on...

My new years resolution...
Oh and to blog so much more... :O)
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I want to forever remember this day... 11/4/08... As an amazing day...

I will forever remember the rush of excitement that came over me, the pride, the excitement, the hope, and then the calm...

I will to forever remember how exhillerated i felt watching Barack Obama delevier his victory speach last night...

I want to forever remember jumping up and down, claping, and cheering when MSNBC announced that Barack Obama is going to be our next president...


To me Obama did not win because of the color of his skin. Nor did he win in spite of it. He won because at a very dangerous moment in the life this country, more people than have ever spoken before came together to try to save it. And that was a victory all its own....

YES WE CAN!!!
YES WE WILL!!!
YES WE DID!!!

I know we won't all ever agree on everything and what makes America great is that we ALL have the right to vote and that's the best way to make our views and desires heard... We still have a very long way to go... We must unite in order to resolve or problems... I hope am one of the millions of Americans that are hungry for a new day, ready to roll up our sleeves and come on up for the rising...

this weekend...

This is how my weekend looks so far... Sushi
and Crafting tonight with my dear friend Christina... Coffee and Catching up with Aimee tomorrow... And Giants and Laughs with Mo... B is camping this weekend so I am going to enjoy the single life for two days... Have a super weekend!!!

just a thought....

*Last night while watching Project Runway I thought. "Man, I want to meet Tim Gunn.. I would love him to walk through my bedroom door and say "hello Courtney, Is that the outfit you plan on wearing today? (at this point he would place his hand on his chin) and "say maybe you can put this with this, Just something to think about. Ok well just make it work. You know what the judges are going to think." Wouldn't that be nice????

I am super excited for this weekend…
No plans…
I like that…
I have dreams though… I would love to talk off and go up north… Roll down the windows and feel the wind in my hair good music on the radio… and feel the cool breeze...

Maybe this will come true… Until then I have softball tonight and the Giants game Sunday morning… and spending time with B…

Happy Friday...

How do you forget the past???

That is my question today….
If the past and the mistakes we have made are what define us, how do we look past the heartache and the pain...

I am a firm believer in with every end comes a new beginning. I will give my self that. But how do I begin to trust someone when what I have seen what trusting someone has done to me. Late nights of crying, re-playing over every conversation wondering what I have said that was wrong that was bad enough to cause this to happen. I know it’s stupid to place the blame on myself. I never held K’s hand and said “see that girl over their, go ahead tiger go get her. Cheat on me.” But after that how is it possible to look at your self in the mirror and not think “maybe if I was prettier, skinnier, better in bed,” that he would have never done this to me.

Truth of this is I know if a person is going to cheat, they will. You can’t be with someone 24-7, that’s just bananas.

Back to my question at hand, how do you forget the past? How do you look at someone and say “here is my heart, it’s been super glued back together, so please be gentle with it…
I know that if K never cheated on me I would be in a different place in my life. B would probably not be in it. I know K never made me as happy as I knew I always wanted to be. But why can’t I leave that part of the relationship aside from this one. B has not done anything that has demonstrated that I can’t trust him… So he tells me he is going to call me and then doesn’t…I always hear from him the next… Typically he falls asleep and forgets to call me… In the past I wouldn’t freak out as much as I am with B… I am aware that my feelings for B are deeper then they ever were with K… I see a future with him, I see someone who is not afraid of being with someone… B and I have known each other for 12 years…

Don’t get me wrong B and I’s relationship is challenging in its self. He has kids, a rough past, and an ex-wife… All things I am not use to dealing with… But I am willing to look past all that… I am willing except everything that he is brining to the table… Here is B’s positives he holds my hand in public, he kisses me is public, he cares about me, cares about my drama, looks in my eyes… all new to me…

Why is it that I can’t stop looking at the hurt and the negatives in the past and look at all the positives for my future??? When will it stop worrying me to the point of making me a crazy person…
I JUST WANT TO UNLEARN HEARTACHE AND LEARN TO TRUST AGAIN!!!

fall away!!!

I recently heard someone say that they were suffering from fall fever…
See in Phoenix spring is nothing we look forward to, quickly the days of 110+ are lurking on the horizon…
But oh how I love when that calendar turns to October… Quickly the temperature will begin to drop (low 90’s)… The morning air will be crisp and cool (mid 70’s)… No longer will I have to blast my A/C with all vents pointed toward me on my way to work…
Things that I look forward to this fall….

*pumpkin patches
*pumpkin-spice latte’s (even though they have been at starbucks since Sept. its way to hard to enjoy them again when it’s 100+ degrees.)
*Burying myself in a huge sweatshirt…
*Curling up on the couch with a big comfy blanket.
*GIANTS (even though they are playing right now they are coming to AZ this year)
*cool nights with B keeping me warm…
*Fair!!!!
*Trips up north (I will make one this fall)…

So much excitement lurks on the horizon… :O)

My thought on love

"Look in my opinion the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, Bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what-have-you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

~Juno

Honestly I think that this is the best piece of advice I have ever got... Even if it was while sitting in my room watching Juno wondering about my relationship... I had to rewind like 17 times and hear it again and again... Its not like B is asking me to change, but maybe I am...

stolen... but i love it as if it were my own words...

"I am me. in all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because i alone chose it — i own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. i own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. i own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. because i own all of me. i can become intimately acquainted with me. by so doing, i can love me and be friendly with all my parts. i know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that i do not know — but as long as i am friendly and loving to myself, i can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. however i look and sound, whatever i say and do, and whatever i think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. if later some parts of how i looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, i can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which i discarded. i can see, hear, feel, think, say and do. i have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. i own me, and therefore, i can engineer me. i am me, and i am okay.”

by VIRGINIA SATIR...

I think i am going to use this for a scrapbook page... oooooooo....

tonight is crafty night :O)

Pics to come...

my so called life...

The funny thing about life to me is that in a blink of an eye you can go from having everything, to having almost nothing...

I will have more thoughts about this when I am able to write...

A Sunday morning list...

All I want is for someone to love me on the days when I cannot love myself….

I met Scott on Thursday, Haven’t herd from him since then… I have mixed emotions with this… Number one he is not really my type, skinny and he has this growth on his head (kinda freaked me out the first time I saw it) But second thought is that I devoted so much time(Verizon loved our relationship) and effort into something, staying up al hours of the nights to keep him company… Hey I guess I can call it my patriotic duty… Talked my self through that one…

I don’t do well with being alone. I especially don’t do well with being alone at night...

I love the Counting Crows…

Driving can be soothing, especially when I’m barefoot… And, to me driving a long distance feels like an accomplishment… I need to do that more…

I hung out with Ricky Friday night (slut I know lol) I really enjoyed being at a bar with a guy, just laughing and kissing… I really enjoy his company… He is so young though… I spent the night with him… It was really nice especially because he wanted to hold me all night long…

I am glad Baseball is back…

I went shopping yesterday and bought really cute shoes that I can’t wait to wear…

I cuss a lot… I need to work on this…

I wish today was a rainy cold day…

I am convinced that the only soul mate I'll ever have is my favorite pair of jeans…

I never think things through & it's worked alright so far…

Ricky texted me “good morning beautiful” and I think it just made my day…

I hate it that I'll never be a teenager again…

I haven’t talked to my sister in 3 weeks…

Speaking of that I think my mom loves my sister more then me…. She will do nothing to my sister to make her upset; however I walk on eggshells all my life around her… What upsets me the most is that my sister can forgive someone who cheated on her twice and not her own flesh and blood who told her to “fuck off”…

Just thinking about my sister makes me so upset…

Quaker mini delights are so yummy. You must try them. 90 calories!! However, three bags of Quaker mini delights in three hours kind of defeats the purpose of the whole 90 calorie thing

really?

just when I thought my "birthday issues" were over... I get a freaking text that made me so unhappy that I was ready to throw my phone across the room... My "best friend" informed me that
1. I am am unhappy person and that i make everyone around me unhappy

2. That she tried to hang out with me on my birthday... Um asking me to sit by the pool not something i wanted to do... spending time with you was what I wanted....

3. Informed me that I was ungreatful to aimee and jess for the dinner and everything they did for me... Jess and Aimee are amazing, dinner was amazing... I felt so special... I really enjoyed my self...

I have really noticed that I don't think of her as a best friend... She is very quick to abandon me when something better comes up... I have always included her in all the acitivites that I have done... So i believe that we are breaking up... lol... I am in the market for a new best friend...

27...

I turned 27 yesterday... And it was the worst day of my life... Never in my life have I felt as alone as I did yesterday... I did nothing all day, never received a call from my father or even as much as a text message from my sister...

I however am not allowing my to fall in the same pattern that I fell in this year... I found that Its too easy for me to play the "why me card"... I have depended on my friends too much too comfort me and hold my hand along the way... I have come to see that this is not the way too go... I only can save myself...

People use January 1st to make new years resolutions... I am not going to be one of those people (mostly because by January 4th people have forgotten all about them) I have never been 27 before and Its a start of a new year for me...

This is my year to shine... I have a job that I love and that makes me very happy... So this year I am all about self discovery...

So tonight I have lit some sage, cleansed my aura, and I am ready to embark the 27th year of my life....

Here are some of my goals this year...
*I am going to write (or at least try) everyday... Just my thoughts, since I am no longer going to vent to my friends, I have hopes that getting them out in this blog will work them out in my head (i hope that makes sense)
*I want to do yoga, work on my breathing...
*Play softball... Some of the best memories of my youth involved softball... and it will be a good work out :O)
*Attend some free classes....
*Take more pictures....
*Go to church... I am not a big fan of organized religion... So i am on a quest to find a church were I feel home... and feel no pressure....
* Hang out with my Aunt Joan and Uncle Tom... They live 15 minutes away... I never see them, and I don't want to regret missing out on any more time with them...
*go to flea markets...
*Loose 40 pounds
*Travel around AZ... By my self... Or in the company of someone who will enjoy it as much as I do...
*Read more... I am currently reading Eat, Pray. Love... It is changing my life...
*Make clothes.... I have always wanted to do this... I have a sewing machine, I am going to use this....

I know where my head is... I am commited to making it right... Doing work... Changing my self...

Here we go.... :O)

iamsonotdesprate....

Reasons to date me:1. You’ll never have to worry about driving illegally in the carpool lane again 2. The taste of your tongue is all I've ever needed 3. I've got a shiny new Blockbuster card waiting just for you 4. I promise not to use your back to keep my feet warm 5. I'll let you push me on the swings 6. I always put the cap back on the toothpaste 7. I'll stash little notes for you where you'll least expect them 8. We’ll make history together 9. Because no other pirate's tongue can "shiver me timber" quite like yours 10. Sleeping alone just sucks.... period! 11. When you're around me I've got the sex drive of a 16 year old boy 12. There isn't anything I feel I can't tell you 13. I wish I could give you all of my firsts 14. All I can offer you is all of my lasts 15. You’re safe with me 16. I'll wait for you even if you're late 17. I'll lick the envelope for you 18. You've seen the monsters under my bed, and you're still here 19. I'll let you sneak a taste when I'm cooking 20. I know CPR 21.I won't make you wear lame sweaters when we go to family Christmas parties 22. You ****ing turn me on! 23. You love my dorkiness 24. When you are trying to keep count, I will try and mess you up 25. You’re magically delicious 26. I suck at strip poker 27. I’ll hold your coffee for you when you’re driving 28. Around you dry panties are a thing of the past 29. I promise not to burn the house down while you’re gone 30. If you wash the car with me I promise to wear a white T-shirt for you 31. I’ll make you Mickey Mouse pancakes 32. I won’t bite unless you want me to 33. Sleeping in has a whole new meaning now that we are doing it together 34. I’ll circle your birthday on my calendar 35. I'll cover you up and kiss your forehead when you fall asleep watching tv 36. I'll carve your initials in a tree 37. I won’t swear around your family 38. I’ve never been Punk’d 39. If you pick me a flower, I’ll wear it in my hair 40. I come with an extended warranty 41. I’ll grant you three wishes 42. I’ll buy you a lap dance 43. I didn't vote for either George Bush 44. I don't tear the tags off my mattresses til I get home 45. I always stop to pet dogs outside of grocery stores 46. I'm likely to have a different hair color every time you see me 47. I'm slippery when wet 48. I only use the rail when I walk down the stairs 30% of the time ( I love to walk the line ya know) 49. I've never read Playboy for the articles 50. I'll make you laugh 51. I've never been in one of Tommy Lee's movies 52. I'll never under cook the eggs 53. I'll never drink your last beer 54. I can make a mean pot of chili 55. I'll pretend I didn't see you look at that chick with the big boobs 56. I'll always be impressed with how strong you are 57. I know that handcuffs aren't just for the cops 58. I don't recycle 59. I do know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop 60. I won't steal the vicoden out of your medicine cabinet 61. I'll take care of you when you're sick 62. I'll make fun of you 63. I can give a kick ass back rub 64. I haven't been a house guest of O.J. Simpson 65. I like porn 66. I can't stand soap operas 67. I don't care if you leave the seat up 68. I pump my own gas 69. I don't give a sh*tif I break a nail 70. I've got cookies 71. I don't chew tobacco 72. I take a shower every day 73. I like it when you pull my hair 74. I'll let you beat me at pool (LET you cause if I try, you're going down) 75. I don't care that you go out with the boys 76. I don't eat crackers in bed 77. I think it's hot when you come home all dirty from playing hard 78. I can't stand the mall 79. I don't care what music we listen to in the car 80. I've never eaten a bon-bon in my life 81. When you wash the dishes it turns me on 82. I have a big butt and I am proud of it 83. My heart will jump every time you walk through the door 84. I'll save everything you ever give me 85. I won't ever forget your birthday, and remind you when mine is coming 86. You just can't stop reading this! 87. I always use my nails to scratch a lottery ticket 88. I know where to put in the oil, and have even done it 89. I'll think you're just about the coolest person I know 90. I think pizza and a game at the sports bar down the street is the ideal date 91. What the hell is "in the box"? 92. I always open a window when I paint 93. I've never been on Americas Most Wanted 94. The only drama I have any part of is on t.v. 95. I know how to make a fire 96. I can tie a cherry stem with my tongue 97. I've got secret tattoos 98. My kisses will take your breath away 99. I don't care if you leave your socks on 100. I can't stand John Mayer 101. I never drive faster than 30 mph in a school zone 102. My weird habits you'll find adorable 103. You'll sleep better when I'm next to you 104. I'd **** Angelina Jolie too 105. I'll thank you every time you open the door 106. I'll never waste your love 107. I'll laugh at every joke even when it's not funny (but only in public - when we're alone I'll tell you if it's not funny) 108. I'd never give you sh*tin front of your friends 109. It gets better every time 110. Use as much salt as you want I don't care 111. I won't ever let you leave for work in the morning without your lunch 112. I'll help you find your keys 113. I don't stop and ask for directions either 114. I don't have a big brother, so you don't have to worry about getting your ass kicked ever 115. We can watch your movie first 116. I don't need batteries 117. I once ate a cricket 118. I eat red meat 119. I'll clean the house perfect every time your mom comes 120. I'll always have smooth legs 121. I like it when my hair gets messed up 122. I used to be able to put my feet behind my neck 123. My family is just as ****ed up as yours 124. I don't want to get married any time soon 125. I like horror movies 126. I smell pretty good (Kind of citrusy and pina-coladaee) 127. I don't litter 128. When I can I give to charity 129. I can be ready in 10 minutes or less 130. I lose at arm wrestling every time 131. I look both ways before I cross the street 132. I never look directly into the sun 133. I'll look cute in your shirt 134. I'm not a virgin 135. You're hotter and more hilarious than anyone I know 136. I won't ever leave makeup on your shoulder 137. I've never hung a pair of panty hose on the shower rack in my life 138. I like it when you call me a whore in bed