questionsANDanswers

1. Where is your cell phone:
Right beside me on the desk...I never let it stray too far.

2. Your hair:
Short, brown, straightened, can be quite crazy at times...

3. Your mother:
The most amazing person I know (at times), can also be quite crazy at times...

4. Your father:
Is back east! I'm jealous-it's so pretty there this time of year.

5. Your favorite food:
sushi, indian food, italian, or mexican...yums

6. Your dream from last night:
i don't remember...

7. Your favorite drink:

Vanilla Latte, Pumpkin Spice Latte, and anything warm and yums.

8. Your dream/goal:

9. What room are you in:
I like to call it the loft...

10. What is your hobby:

This is what I want to make my hobbies... taking pictures,painting and making cute things... oh and blogging more...

11. What is your fear:
Being alone...

12. Where were you last night:
At the house, doing homeworks...

13. Something you are not:
a fighter... and not as strong as i would like

14. Muffins:
Secretly suffer from cupcake envy... but are yums neverless...

15. Wish list items:
More time to do the things that I love, like taking pictures and painting...

16. Where did you grow up:

"where big lights will inspire you"

and the beautiful Phoenix Arizona...

17. Last thing you did:

send Eric a super sweet text msg, because he is rad...

18. What are you wearing:
a cardigan, black pants, flats, headband... the usual.

19. Your TV:
I hope i didn't leave it on... but if i did chances are that it is on E!

20. Your pets:
I don't have any at this time.... but if i did she would look like this

21. Your friends:
are all cute and amazing and I cherish every single one of them...

22. Your life:
Is amazing and at times magical...

23. Your mood:
sleepy, hungry, ready to go home...

24. Missing someone:
Eric

Dad

and this face

25. Vehicle:
The G ride AKA Pontiac G6

26. Something you’re not wearing:
Socks.

27. Your favorite store:
Probably Forever21, Target (must go today!), hobby lobby, ect.

28. Your favorite color:
I can't commit to just one.

29. When’s the last time you laughed:
Like 5 min. ago.

30. When’s the last time you cried:
last week...

31. Your best friend:
's are amazing beautiful people who inspire me...

32. One place you go over and over:
The same websites/blogs.

33. One person who emails me regularly:
hmm. I don't get emails all that much... hope this changes...

34. Favorite place to eat:
Too many... I love unheard of enchanted places... yums.

35. Where do you want to be in 6 years:
i just hope that i'll be loved, done with school and dreaming new dreams .

Help...

To whom this may concern... LOL...

I am not sure who (if anyone besides my friend Aimee) reads my blog...
But I need some help... And I feel that I could be stumbling across an untapped resource in the blogging community.... SO... Here's where i need you... I have just been so blessed to get promoted to Volunteer Coordinator for the hospice that I work for... I need help with thoughts on how I can recruit volunteers... If anyone is interested in donating some handmade things to us with the holiday season coming up... Really any help/suggestions are soooo appreciated...

for the first time in a long time...

For the first time in a long time... I feel so blessed...

I feel blessed for the changes that I have made in my life to get me to the point that I am at now... For the first time in such a long time I put my mind to something AND was able to reach a goal... Letting no obstacle get in my way... OF COURSE i have had/done my fair share of bitching but I never gave up AND that's what counts...

Lets begin the list... (So i can always look back and smile)

1. I went back to school... I stopped going when I was 24, gave it up because I had no idea what I wanted to do... and then a boy got in my way... So after working at the hospice for over a year, I decided that I really want to help people... So i am now finishing up my associates degree so I can get my Bachelors degree in Social Work... :)

2. I lost 10 pounds... AND i am not done yet!!! I have been struggling with my weight for a very long time... I like so many people look at food for comfort... I went through a lot over this last couple years... Lots of growing up was done (not easy, many nights were spent crying with the loneliness that I felt.) and with that loneliness food was my best friend... I spent many Sundays saying that the following Monday was the start of my new life, only to fail by Wednesday... I hated wearing baggy clothes to hide my stomach... I am in my friends wedding and the thought of walking down the isle holding my breath, or during pictures sucking it in was too much... And then I tried on the dress, I couldn't fit in a size 14!!! We tried on a 16 and that was tight, and last we went for the 18... I felt like i could die... I have never in my life been this big!!!(not that their is anything wrong with that size if you are happy with yourself, but i was not) My dear friend sarah (the bride) told me i should get the 14 as encouragement to really loose the weight... I couldn't believe that someone was pushing me like I needed to be, like I kept wishing for.... SO i went to try on the dress yesterday and IT FIT!!! I could probably fit into a 12!!!! Such an amazing feeling that I want to hold onto and reflect on over my weight loss journey...

3. Eric... I know its been early but I just enjoy this guy so much!! He asked me to go to his work Halloween party with me, I said yes... He is going as Robin, His roommate and wife are going as Batman and Poison Ivy... I think I am going as cat woman... *I must rock this costume* But (super scary) I am going to meet his best friend (who is a girl) bethany... I am so nervous about this... I have gotten along with all his friends so far, but I am friends with a lot of guys and i know how I am when i meet the girl my boys bring around. I hope she how much I dig this guy and I am not going to break his heart... AND i have major confidence boost right now so I am trying not to be nervous...

So Eric just texted me that he is sick... So i am gonna bring him some homemade chicken noodle soup (from Costco) to make him feel better... :)

AND I want to post my pic of me and the dress... Pay no mind to the Bra straps :D

Remind yourself everyday....

Relese your grip a little,

Trust just a little more,

Show up for your dreams today.

Letting go is the best way to hold on........

just an amazing weekend....

A typical Monday morning for me includes waking up, grumbling, tired and just oh so cranky... However this morning I woke up with a huge smile on my face and super great memories to reflect on...

Friday night, I went to go see this amazing local band called Vayden... I just love watching them play... I love being at a show and singing along with a band... Its such an escape... I asked Eric if he would like to come with me... He did and had such a great time... He met some friends and really enjoyed himself...

And about Eric... I can really sit here and say I am not sure if I have ever felt this way about someone... I am trying to hold back feelings because it is so brand new... But he is so amazing.... I found myself looking at him this weekend and thanking the universe for bringing him into my life... He was also my date to my 10 year high school reunion... The best part was he wanted to go... To be apart of something that was so important to me...

So... Lets talk about the reunion... I was very aprehensive about going... I was upset because it was at this bar in old town Scottsdale and was poorly put together... But after some soul serching i decided that I really needed to go... I am happy with where I am in my life... I am at a job that I love, have this new amazing person in my life... Plus i was really looking foward to seeing people that i have lost connection with... So we arived at 7:30pm, I got super nervous upon walking up to the bar. So I grabbed Eric's hand took a huge breath and walked in... As soon as I got to the top of the steps I saw one of my good high school friends Adam, got a huge hug from him and was put to ease... Then it was just a sereal feeling walking through the crowd... Lots of hugs and smiles... The funny thing was although I havent seen many of the people in years... Because of facebook it helped me from asking the same questions over and over again and it was like i had seen them all in the last 10 years... Of course it got very clicky, same people that hung out with each other were standing in high school were again standing to each other... But Eric and i made our way through the crowed and my old friend Maria who was there with her boyfriend... Eric and Maria's boyfriend talked, and it was wonderful because Maria and i could go walk around and not worry about him being alone... I was so impressed with Eric... He really mingled well with everyone... I was kinda upset because i bought a new camera and couldnt wait to use it, and i took only 3 pictures... BOO, me...

So After the reunion a bunch of us headed over to loco patrone...Eric again, was amazing, taking to everyone... In fact 2 girls that I was friends with told me that they thought he was so amazing and joked with him telling him if he brakes my heart they would go after him... But the night had to come to an end... I went back to Eric's and fell asleep in his arms...

So its these memories that are making my Monday...

Always in my heart...

I am unsure how to start this... My brain right now is flooded with amazing beautiful memories of Michael Jackson... I was one years old when Thriller was released... And 6 when my mom bought the record for me... I remember holding that record in my hands so tight and squirming with excitement of being able to listen to him when ever I wanted to... I remember placing that record on the turn table so carefully not to scratch it and then "wanna be starting something" played... I would dance around for hours listening to it... Mom bought my sister and I red jackets, we would listen to thriller and wear our jackets... My sister and I would watch the making of Thriller everyday after school... We loved it...

And then "Bad" came out... My friend Melissa Ashcraft and I would sit on her porch and play that tape over and over again... We would jump rope to it, dance to it, sing to it... I remember watching him no wait studying him on MTV to learn new dance moves... You see that was when MTV played music videos... Funny saying that, the first video i saw on MTV in years was Michael Jackson's "Bad" on Thursday after his death...

Michael Jackson was an icon... Thriller was released 27 years ago and its still the best selling record of all time... Mark my words, it will never be topped... Michael Jackson didn't make music videos, he made motion pictures... He made us all rush home from school to turn on MTV to see his videos... He made us dance in front of our TVs... He made us feel his music with every kick or thrust...

On Thursday morning, at about 10:00 AM, Michael Jackson's "Beat it" played on my Pandora... One of my co-workers was in a bad mood, so i did a little dance for her to make her smile... I turned to my boss and said, "27 years later and this song is still one of the greatest, they don't make music like this any more"... My boss was the one who called and told me about his death 3 hours later... At first like many i am sure kept hoping that what i was seeing was not true...

In the hours that followed his death, I turned on the radio and they were playing Michael Jackson songs...Some of the songs I haven't heard in years... I started dancing and singing and thought this is how i am going to honor him.. I am not going to reflect on the last 10 years of his life... I want to celebrate the music, embrace the warm memories... I want to play his music for my children... I want not to reflect on all the negative things that have come out about him and that will... Cause all of that will not take away the beautiful memories we have shared...

Thank you Michael for all the joy you brought me... I know that every time i hear you songs your spirit will live on in everyone of us....

Bring it on...

My new years resolution...
Oh and to blog so much more... :O)
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I want to forever remember this day... 11/4/08... As an amazing day...

I will forever remember the rush of excitement that came over me, the pride, the excitement, the hope, and then the calm...

I will to forever remember how exhillerated i felt watching Barack Obama delevier his victory speach last night...

I want to forever remember jumping up and down, claping, and cheering when MSNBC announced that Barack Obama is going to be our next president...


To me Obama did not win because of the color of his skin. Nor did he win in spite of it. He won because at a very dangerous moment in the life this country, more people than have ever spoken before came together to try to save it. And that was a victory all its own....

YES WE CAN!!!
YES WE WILL!!!
YES WE DID!!!

I know we won't all ever agree on everything and what makes America great is that we ALL have the right to vote and that's the best way to make our views and desires heard... We still have a very long way to go... We must unite in order to resolve or problems... I hope am one of the millions of Americans that are hungry for a new day, ready to roll up our sleeves and come on up for the rising...

this weekend...

This is how my weekend looks so far... Sushi
and Crafting tonight with my dear friend Christina... Coffee and Catching up with Aimee tomorrow... And Giants and Laughs with Mo... B is camping this weekend so I am going to enjoy the single life for two days... Have a super weekend!!!

just a thought....

*Last night while watching Project Runway I thought. "Man, I want to meet Tim Gunn.. I would love him to walk through my bedroom door and say "hello Courtney, Is that the outfit you plan on wearing today? (at this point he would place his hand on his chin) and "say maybe you can put this with this, Just something to think about. Ok well just make it work. You know what the judges are going to think." Wouldn't that be nice????

I am super excited for this weekend…
No plans…
I like that…
I have dreams though… I would love to talk off and go up north… Roll down the windows and feel the wind in my hair good music on the radio… and feel the cool breeze...

Maybe this will come true… Until then I have softball tonight and the Giants game Sunday morning… and spending time with B…

Happy Friday...

How do you forget the past???

That is my question today….
If the past and the mistakes we have made are what define us, how do we look past the heartache and the pain...

I am a firm believer in with every end comes a new beginning. I will give my self that. But how do I begin to trust someone when what I have seen what trusting someone has done to me. Late nights of crying, re-playing over every conversation wondering what I have said that was wrong that was bad enough to cause this to happen. I know it’s stupid to place the blame on myself. I never held K’s hand and said “see that girl over their, go ahead tiger go get her. Cheat on me.” But after that how is it possible to look at your self in the mirror and not think “maybe if I was prettier, skinnier, better in bed,” that he would have never done this to me.

Truth of this is I know if a person is going to cheat, they will. You can’t be with someone 24-7, that’s just bananas.

Back to my question at hand, how do you forget the past? How do you look at someone and say “here is my heart, it’s been super glued back together, so please be gentle with it…
I know that if K never cheated on me I would be in a different place in my life. B would probably not be in it. I know K never made me as happy as I knew I always wanted to be. But why can’t I leave that part of the relationship aside from this one. B has not done anything that has demonstrated that I can’t trust him… So he tells me he is going to call me and then doesn’t…I always hear from him the next… Typically he falls asleep and forgets to call me… In the past I wouldn’t freak out as much as I am with B… I am aware that my feelings for B are deeper then they ever were with K… I see a future with him, I see someone who is not afraid of being with someone… B and I have known each other for 12 years…

Don’t get me wrong B and I’s relationship is challenging in its self. He has kids, a rough past, and an ex-wife… All things I am not use to dealing with… But I am willing to look past all that… I am willing except everything that he is brining to the table… Here is B’s positives he holds my hand in public, he kisses me is public, he cares about me, cares about my drama, looks in my eyes… all new to me…

Why is it that I can’t stop looking at the hurt and the negatives in the past and look at all the positives for my future??? When will it stop worrying me to the point of making me a crazy person…
I JUST WANT TO UNLEARN HEARTACHE AND LEARN TO TRUST AGAIN!!!

fall away!!!

I recently heard someone say that they were suffering from fall fever…
See in Phoenix spring is nothing we look forward to, quickly the days of 110+ are lurking on the horizon…
But oh how I love when that calendar turns to October… Quickly the temperature will begin to drop (low 90’s)… The morning air will be crisp and cool (mid 70’s)… No longer will I have to blast my A/C with all vents pointed toward me on my way to work…
Things that I look forward to this fall….

*pumpkin patches
*pumpkin-spice latte’s (even though they have been at starbucks since Sept. its way to hard to enjoy them again when it’s 100+ degrees.)
*Burying myself in a huge sweatshirt…
*Curling up on the couch with a big comfy blanket.
*GIANTS (even though they are playing right now they are coming to AZ this year)
*cool nights with B keeping me warm…
*Fair!!!!
*Trips up north (I will make one this fall)…

So much excitement lurks on the horizon… :O)

My thought on love

"Look in my opinion the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, Bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what-have-you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

~Juno

Honestly I think that this is the best piece of advice I have ever got... Even if it was while sitting in my room watching Juno wondering about my relationship... I had to rewind like 17 times and hear it again and again... Its not like B is asking me to change, but maybe I am...

stolen... but i love it as if it were my own words...

"I am me. in all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because i alone chose it — i own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. i own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. i own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. because i own all of me. i can become intimately acquainted with me. by so doing, i can love me and be friendly with all my parts. i know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that i do not know — but as long as i am friendly and loving to myself, i can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. however i look and sound, whatever i say and do, and whatever i think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. if later some parts of how i looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, i can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which i discarded. i can see, hear, feel, think, say and do. i have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. i own me, and therefore, i can engineer me. i am me, and i am okay.”

by VIRGINIA SATIR...

I think i am going to use this for a scrapbook page... oooooooo....

tonight is crafty night :O)

Pics to come...

my so called life...

The funny thing about life to me is that in a blink of an eye you can go from having everything, to having almost nothing...

I will have more thoughts about this when I am able to write...

A Sunday morning list...

All I want is for someone to love me on the days when I cannot love myself….

I met Scott on Thursday, Haven’t herd from him since then… I have mixed emotions with this… Number one he is not really my type, skinny and he has this growth on his head (kinda freaked me out the first time I saw it) But second thought is that I devoted so much time(Verizon loved our relationship) and effort into something, staying up al hours of the nights to keep him company… Hey I guess I can call it my patriotic duty… Talked my self through that one…

I don’t do well with being alone. I especially don’t do well with being alone at night...

I love the Counting Crows…

Driving can be soothing, especially when I’m barefoot… And, to me driving a long distance feels like an accomplishment… I need to do that more…

I hung out with Ricky Friday night (slut I know lol) I really enjoyed being at a bar with a guy, just laughing and kissing… I really enjoy his company… He is so young though… I spent the night with him… It was really nice especially because he wanted to hold me all night long…

I am glad Baseball is back…

I went shopping yesterday and bought really cute shoes that I can’t wait to wear…

I cuss a lot… I need to work on this…

I wish today was a rainy cold day…

I am convinced that the only soul mate I'll ever have is my favorite pair of jeans…

I never think things through & it's worked alright so far…

Ricky texted me “good morning beautiful” and I think it just made my day…

I hate it that I'll never be a teenager again…

I haven’t talked to my sister in 3 weeks…

Speaking of that I think my mom loves my sister more then me…. She will do nothing to my sister to make her upset; however I walk on eggshells all my life around her… What upsets me the most is that my sister can forgive someone who cheated on her twice and not her own flesh and blood who told her to “fuck off”…

Just thinking about my sister makes me so upset…

Quaker mini delights are so yummy. You must try them. 90 calories!! However, three bags of Quaker mini delights in three hours kind of defeats the purpose of the whole 90 calorie thing

really?

just when I thought my "birthday issues" were over... I get a freaking text that made me so unhappy that I was ready to throw my phone across the room... My "best friend" informed me that
1. I am am unhappy person and that i make everyone around me unhappy

2. That she tried to hang out with me on my birthday... Um asking me to sit by the pool not something i wanted to do... spending time with you was what I wanted....

3. Informed me that I was ungreatful to aimee and jess for the dinner and everything they did for me... Jess and Aimee are amazing, dinner was amazing... I felt so special... I really enjoyed my self...

I have really noticed that I don't think of her as a best friend... She is very quick to abandon me when something better comes up... I have always included her in all the acitivites that I have done... So i believe that we are breaking up... lol... I am in the market for a new best friend...

27...

I turned 27 yesterday... And it was the worst day of my life... Never in my life have I felt as alone as I did yesterday... I did nothing all day, never received a call from my father or even as much as a text message from my sister...

I however am not allowing my to fall in the same pattern that I fell in this year... I found that Its too easy for me to play the "why me card"... I have depended on my friends too much too comfort me and hold my hand along the way... I have come to see that this is not the way too go... I only can save myself...

People use January 1st to make new years resolutions... I am not going to be one of those people (mostly because by January 4th people have forgotten all about them) I have never been 27 before and Its a start of a new year for me...

This is my year to shine... I have a job that I love and that makes me very happy... So this year I am all about self discovery...

So tonight I have lit some sage, cleansed my aura, and I am ready to embark the 27th year of my life....

Here are some of my goals this year...
*I am going to write (or at least try) everyday... Just my thoughts, since I am no longer going to vent to my friends, I have hopes that getting them out in this blog will work them out in my head (i hope that makes sense)
*I want to do yoga, work on my breathing...
*Play softball... Some of the best memories of my youth involved softball... and it will be a good work out :O)
*Attend some free classes....
*Take more pictures....
*Go to church... I am not a big fan of organized religion... So i am on a quest to find a church were I feel home... and feel no pressure....
* Hang out with my Aunt Joan and Uncle Tom... They live 15 minutes away... I never see them, and I don't want to regret missing out on any more time with them...
*go to flea markets...
*Loose 40 pounds
*Travel around AZ... By my self... Or in the company of someone who will enjoy it as much as I do...
*Read more... I am currently reading Eat, Pray. Love... It is changing my life...
*Make clothes.... I have always wanted to do this... I have a sewing machine, I am going to use this....

I know where my head is... I am commited to making it right... Doing work... Changing my self...

Here we go.... :O)